When something major happens in our lives it changes us. We begin to believe what we see, instead of what really is. Women are easily swayed to believe whats in front of us. We do this because we are afraid of whats really there.
What is there? Nothing. Lies. All the lies that a person begins to believe gets blurry to the point that you become unsure of what is actually going on. The pain caused by the lies that your forced to believe become the most agonizing thought that crosses your mind. You fear sleep because you fear the dreams. The dreams turn to nightmares, the nightmares dont fade. The nightmares continue to drone on and on, with no end in sight. Its like a knife that stabs into you, one that cant be removed by anything. But eventually this knife has been dug into your heart so far, and left for so long, that it becomes numb. You become numb. Numbness is something you begin to look forward to. You find that numbness and everythings getting better slowly.
After a while, it doesnt matter. Youve been hurt one time, and you lose a piece of yourself. Thats a part you will never get back, and a part that later on when you begin to trust someone else again is gone. Its not fair to anyone that loves you, and trusts you not to get your full trust. You begin to realize the person who lied to you.. has broken you.
I know I shouldnt be hurt by any of this.. but I am broken. There are parts of me that he stole, that I will never get back. It kills me to know that I will never be who I was. He has stolen my heart. I was robbed of the joy I had for life. Ive been drug through the thinkest sorrow my heart has ever known. But through all this I will survive. Women were meant to be stronger than men for this reason. Men are the lowest, most unsensitive creatures on this earth. They tear about their creators, and their only means for survivol. Without women men wouldnt exsist.
When your broken, as I am.. You begin to believe in strange things. Angels for me. I believe that I am being tested. I know I am a kind person, and there isnt anything wrong with me, and someday someone will love me as me. Eventually someone will come along that wont lie and hurt me. I just hope theres enough of me left to share with them. But until then, I just breathe in, and breathe out. I will survive. You may have broken me, but you did not kill me. Thank you for showing me.. Im worth more. Im better. And Im going to survive anything. Ive been to hell and back. There is nothing that can get to me now. Ive gotten this amazingly strong amour. Im supported by the people who truly love me and truly want to be there for me. Those who have always been there, and will always be there. My family, and friends.
I hate that you had this affect on me. But Im proud to say I survived you.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Simply Reminded
Im finally getting better at this. :)
Theres not a whole lot going on with me right now, I am just trying to live my life the best that I know how. Unfortuantly I am not feeling well and my ear is hurting badly. So I stayed home tonight instead of going out with the boyfriend. Which isnt bad, except I tend to sit home and think about things that then in turn I start to beat myself up over. AHHHH!!! I wonder everyday if I am making the right choices for myself. I know that I am a bright person, and Im sure that I will do okay with myself.
On a brighter note, I got some really good and relieving news last night that made a dense fog lift away from me. Although I'm still a little stressed about the situation that was causing it, I feel a lot better about it. I guess that everything happens for a reason, and that no matter how much we will for something to happen one way or the other, in the end we really just dont have control over everything in our lives. I can see that there are so many people worse off than me and that I shouldnt 'beat myself up' over every little mistake I make. I should be thankful for the positives in my life, and try to take as much of the bad with the good that I can. I guess sometimes its just better to be reminded.
And speaking of being reminded my boyfriend reminded me of some pretty sweet things today. He just wanted to remind me of how thankful for me he is, and how much I mean to him. All out of the blue. And for most guys thats an accomplishment to do this all on their own, but for my guy, its a HUGE accomplishment. So thanks babe. You made my night in more ways that one.
Theres not a whole lot going on with me right now, I am just trying to live my life the best that I know how. Unfortuantly I am not feeling well and my ear is hurting badly. So I stayed home tonight instead of going out with the boyfriend. Which isnt bad, except I tend to sit home and think about things that then in turn I start to beat myself up over. AHHHH!!! I wonder everyday if I am making the right choices for myself. I know that I am a bright person, and Im sure that I will do okay with myself.
On a brighter note, I got some really good and relieving news last night that made a dense fog lift away from me. Although I'm still a little stressed about the situation that was causing it, I feel a lot better about it. I guess that everything happens for a reason, and that no matter how much we will for something to happen one way or the other, in the end we really just dont have control over everything in our lives. I can see that there are so many people worse off than me and that I shouldnt 'beat myself up' over every little mistake I make. I should be thankful for the positives in my life, and try to take as much of the bad with the good that I can. I guess sometimes its just better to be reminded.
And speaking of being reminded my boyfriend reminded me of some pretty sweet things today. He just wanted to remind me of how thankful for me he is, and how much I mean to him. All out of the blue. And for most guys thats an accomplishment to do this all on their own, but for my guy, its a HUGE accomplishment. So thanks babe. You made my night in more ways that one.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Simply In Love
Firstly I am a bad blogger. Very neglectful. I appologise. However its time for a catch up.
That guy that I referred to in July's post is now and still my boyfriend. He's amazing. Of course like every couple does we fight, and of course we get mad at each other and had our rough days, but we are going on 6+ months and still going strong. This is a person that I can see having a long happy future with. Unlike a past relationship where I thought I was happy but really see that I was happy at a time and out of habit stayed in what became a miserable and emotionally damaging trial for me. I met my current boyfriend B, and he helped me see that I can still be happy. I can still be me, and be with someone. I can love him and he can love me. He tells me everyday that I saved him, and that Im his angel.
I love to be told these wonderful things. I love that he is thankful to have me, and that Im enough for him. He means alot to me, and I know that I mean alot to him. It just nice to know that I can finally be happy, and hopefully stay that way.
That guy that I referred to in July's post is now and still my boyfriend. He's amazing. Of course like every couple does we fight, and of course we get mad at each other and had our rough days, but we are going on 6+ months and still going strong. This is a person that I can see having a long happy future with. Unlike a past relationship where I thought I was happy but really see that I was happy at a time and out of habit stayed in what became a miserable and emotionally damaging trial for me. I met my current boyfriend B, and he helped me see that I can still be happy. I can still be me, and be with someone. I can love him and he can love me. He tells me everyday that I saved him, and that Im his angel.
I love to be told these wonderful things. I love that he is thankful to have me, and that Im enough for him. He means alot to me, and I know that I mean alot to him. It just nice to know that I can finally be happy, and hopefully stay that way.
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