Simply Surviving

When something major happens in our lives it changes us. We begin to believe what we see, instead of what really is. Women are easily swayed to believe whats in front of us. We do this because we are afraid of whats really there.
What is there? Nothing. Lies. All the lies that a person begins to believe gets blurry to the point that you become unsure of what is actually going on. The pain caused by the lies that your forced to believe become the most agonizing thought that crosses your mind. You fear sleep because you fear the dreams. The dreams turn to nightmares, the nightmares dont fade. The nightmares continue to drone on and on, with no end in sight. Its like a knife that stabs into you, one that cant be removed by anything. But eventually this knife has been dug into your heart so far, and left for so long, that it becomes numb. You become numb. Numbness is something you begin to look forward to. You find that numbness and everythings getting better slowly.
After a while, it doesnt matter. Youve been hurt one time, and you lose a piece of yourself. Thats a part you will never get back, and a part that later on when you begin to trust someone else again is gone. Its not fair to anyone that loves you, and trusts you not to get your full trust. You begin to realize the person who lied to you.. has broken you.
I know I shouldnt be hurt by any of this.. but I am broken. There are parts of me that he stole, that I will never get back. It kills me to know that I will never be who I was. He has stolen my heart. I was robbed of the joy I had for life. Ive been drug through the thinkest sorrow my heart has ever known. But through all this I will survive. Women were meant to be stronger than men for this reason. Men are the lowest, most unsensitive creatures on this earth. They tear about their creators, and their only means for survivol. Without women men wouldnt exsist.
When your broken, as I am.. You begin to believe in strange things. Angels for me. I believe that I am being tested. I know I am a kind person, and there isnt anything wrong with me, and someday someone will love me as me. Eventually someone will come along that wont lie and hurt me. I just hope theres enough of me left to share with them. But until then, I just breathe in, and breathe out. I will survive. You may have broken me, but you did not kill me. Thank you for showing me.. Im worth more. Im better. And Im going to survive anything. Ive been to hell and back. There is nothing that can get to me now. Ive gotten this amazingly strong amour. Im supported by the people who truly love me and truly want to be there for me. Those who have always been there, and will always be there. My family, and friends.
I hate that you had this affect on me. But Im proud to say I survived you.

Simply Reminded

Im finally getting better at this. :)

Theres not a whole lot going on with me right now, I am just trying to live my life the best that I know how. Unfortuantly I am not feeling well and my ear is hurting badly. So I stayed home tonight instead of going out with the boyfriend. Which isnt bad, except I tend to sit home and think about things that then in turn I start to beat myself up over. AHHHH!!! I wonder everyday if I am making the right choices for myself. I know that I am a bright person, and Im sure that I will do okay with myself.

On a brighter note, I got some really good and relieving news last night that made a dense fog lift away from me. Although I'm still a little stressed about the situation that was causing it, I feel a lot better about it. I guess that everything happens for a reason, and that no matter how much we will for something to happen one way or the other, in the end we really just dont have control over everything in our lives. I can see that there are so many people worse off than me and that I shouldnt 'beat myself up' over every little mistake I make. I should be thankful for the positives in my life, and try to take as much of the bad with the good that I can. I guess sometimes its just better to be reminded.

And speaking of being reminded my boyfriend reminded me of some pretty sweet things today. He just wanted to remind me of how thankful for me he is, and how much I mean to him. All out of the blue. And for most guys thats an accomplishment to do this all on their own, but for my guy, its a HUGE accomplishment. So thanks babe. You made my night in more ways that one.

Simply In Love

Firstly I am a bad blogger. Very neglectful. I appologise. However its time for a catch up.
That guy that I referred to in July's post is now and still my boyfriend. He's amazing. Of course like every couple does we fight, and of course we get mad at each other and had our rough days, but we are going on 6+ months and still going strong. This is a person that I can see having a long happy future with. Unlike a past relationship where I thought I was happy but really see that I was happy at a time and out of habit stayed in what became a miserable and emotionally damaging trial for me. I met my current boyfriend B, and he helped me see that I can still be happy. I can still be me, and be with someone. I can love him and he can love me. He tells me everyday that I saved him, and that Im his angel.
I love to be told these wonderful things. I love that he is thankful to have me, and that Im enough for him. He means alot to me, and I know that I mean alot to him. It just nice to know that I can finally be happy, and hopefully stay that way.

Simply Let Down

I dont understand why when you put all your trust in someone you are always proven wrong. When is it going to be my turn to be able to trust depend and rely on someone. Im tired of being treated so unfairly.
Its like no matter how hard I try, Im always treated the same. I trust no one from here on out. I depend on no one. I rely on no one. I cant help but feel betrayed and hurt. Its sad that there are no decent humanbeings on this earth that are trustworthy and relyable. I am a broken person, that doesnt want to be fixed. I have been this nice bubbly person. But thats not doing me any good any more. I guess its time to going back to being a cynical bitch. Get Ready. No more miss nice J.
I dont really have much else to say other than, I am just simply let down. By everyone.

Simply Refreshed

I do apologise for the neglect. Its been raging hell since I got home from my one week vacation in the mountains. So much has happened and so many feelings are whisping through the air. Its hard to even fathom where to start. I will say this, coming home to my sucky job with my not so great co-workers blows. I over-work myself to death there, and its 5989864% ridiculous. Ive met a new friend. M. Hes a great friend. Not sure that there will ever be more, but wow what a friend. Hes smart, and military. Hes funny, and straight forward. He looks out for me, and understands that looooooooong list of pasts and troubles that I tote around with me on my shoulders. So in addition to the one week vacation, I then turned around and had a one week sabbatical at my moms house. Kind of cutting myself off from any unwanted communication. It was helpful to have a few days to me.
On brighter news, me and my C-S are fine now and I'm glad to have her back. Ive missed her straight forward and quirky advice. Which reminds me C-S night ASAP! I get my out of jail free card for the next 3 days, only to have to turn around and work like 8 straight. Nasty! But I am going to enjoy this time, and take it to refresh my life. Starting with cleaning my shithole room. AHHH. It freaken scares me in here. And if I was so damn tired, I think it would almost be too cluttered to sleep. I'm dealing though.
I don't want to express too much more detail on my life the past two weeks right now, other than it was great to see some of the family and kick our heals up and relax. OOOHHH how I love it. Unitl next time.

Simply Better

Its amazing that out of every bad comes a little good. I finally had a pretty decent weekend. Relaxed, hung out with friends, made some new ones, and enjoyed the company of others with the same wants in life. It kinda comes as a shock to me that I can have such a decent time with people that I wouldn't normally be around, and by taking a chance I had a blast. Played pool (horribly) had girl talk, talked about guys, talked to guys. I'm glad that I have decided to clear away the fog long enough to allow myself to have a good time and befriend some really nice people.
Also when you can finally meet a guy that all his friends (males and females) tell you that hes been done wrong in the past, and does everything for everyone and just always seems to get with the wrong girls, and hes interested in me. WHAT? I guess like all the other women in this world, I don't always tend to give myself credit. So when a cute guy, that's also humanely decent wants my number.. heck yea! I am so not rushing into anything, but to get to talk to someone and be friendly with someone, and spend time with someone (hes taking me out tonight) that's new and knows nothing of me and I know nothing of him, is going to be a great thing. And I cant wait. I just wanted to let you all know that not all my posts are glum and blue. Sometimes I am happy... :)
And on the happy note, HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY Kat! I LOVE YA, and miss ya!!!!!!

Simply Feelings

We all have that one song that when we hear it, it takes us to a "happy place". When we hear it play, no matter what is going on in our lives we just simply have to smile. It makes all the bad go away for that momment and all the good come flooding through. I cant help but when I find that song to listen to it fifty trillion times, until that song is permenatly planted in my head. It ceases all judgement, all worries, stresses, and fears. It causes nothing but calm inner feelings with smiles all over my face. I love that feeling.
Another sound that just gives me that rush of calm, is a close friend of mine telling me that everythings going to be okay, no matter what it is thats bothering me. Someone who can tell me that they are there for me, they may not know what specifically I am going through, but will be there if I choose to talk. And knowing that they love me for me, and all my quirky triats. Best friends truly are amazing. Even the newer ones who may not know quite everything about me. But she tries and I love her for that. (Yes you H) And I love that feeling.
Lastly, my dad is fine. Please no one worry. I am his daughter thats my job. He's seeing doctors and doing everything they ask of him. He's doing what he needs to do. He seems fine. A little tired, but hey, he is almost 50. Lol! Keep you all posted on my Daddy. And feels great to know my dads doing okay.