Simply Better

Its amazing that out of every bad comes a little good. I finally had a pretty decent weekend. Relaxed, hung out with friends, made some new ones, and enjoyed the company of others with the same wants in life. It kinda comes as a shock to me that I can have such a decent time with people that I wouldn't normally be around, and by taking a chance I had a blast. Played pool (horribly) had girl talk, talked about guys, talked to guys. I'm glad that I have decided to clear away the fog long enough to allow myself to have a good time and befriend some really nice people.
Also when you can finally meet a guy that all his friends (males and females) tell you that hes been done wrong in the past, and does everything for everyone and just always seems to get with the wrong girls, and hes interested in me. WHAT? I guess like all the other women in this world, I don't always tend to give myself credit. So when a cute guy, that's also humanely decent wants my number.. heck yea! I am so not rushing into anything, but to get to talk to someone and be friendly with someone, and spend time with someone (hes taking me out tonight) that's new and knows nothing of me and I know nothing of him, is going to be a great thing. And I cant wait. I just wanted to let you all know that not all my posts are glum and blue. Sometimes I am happy... :)
And on the happy note, HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY Kat! I LOVE YA, and miss ya!!!!!!

Simply Feelings

We all have that one song that when we hear it, it takes us to a "happy place". When we hear it play, no matter what is going on in our lives we just simply have to smile. It makes all the bad go away for that momment and all the good come flooding through. I cant help but when I find that song to listen to it fifty trillion times, until that song is permenatly planted in my head. It ceases all judgement, all worries, stresses, and fears. It causes nothing but calm inner feelings with smiles all over my face. I love that feeling.
Another sound that just gives me that rush of calm, is a close friend of mine telling me that everythings going to be okay, no matter what it is thats bothering me. Someone who can tell me that they are there for me, they may not know what specifically I am going through, but will be there if I choose to talk. And knowing that they love me for me, and all my quirky triats. Best friends truly are amazing. Even the newer ones who may not know quite everything about me. But she tries and I love her for that. (Yes you H) And I love that feeling.
Lastly, my dad is fine. Please no one worry. I am his daughter thats my job. He's seeing doctors and doing everything they ask of him. He's doing what he needs to do. He seems fine. A little tired, but hey, he is almost 50. Lol! Keep you all posted on my Daddy. And feels great to know my dads doing okay.

Simply Scared

Friday July 4th was not a holiday that I celebrated this year. My dad was taken to the emergency room in an ambulance that he called. He was home alone. He was having chest pain and tightness, became dizzy and disoriented. He is okay. The doctors said that he was having the beginnings of a heart attack. With his age, and his dads age of his first heart attack, as well as many other risk factors, the doctor recommended some tests. They did the EKG, and chest xray, all that seemed alright. Well the doctor recommended a stress test and possible heart catherizaton. Of course anyone who knows my dad knows that he left AMA (against medical advice), with promises to follow up with his family doctor Monday. Well so far dad just seems tired, and i know hes still hurting in his chest. I am forcing him to go to the doctor tomorrow. I don't want anyone to worry, hes alright. No panic phone calls. I will keep all updated. I PROMISE! Now I told you all this because, ya'll are friends and family, and I'm not to alert anyone, as his daughter, and daddy's little girl, I'm scared shitless. I break out in years all the time, I find myself with bad wandering thoughts. I am so scared. I love my dad more than anything in the world. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. I love you Daddy.

Simply A Troubled Mind

When you love someone you are supposed to support them in their trials and tribulations with their life. I have recently been "in a slump". My problems are nothing compared to some, or even many. But to me, they suck. I am having trouble with so many different aspects of my life. I am not sure what to do or think about so many things. I cant seem to find where I belong, if anywhere. I'm so unsure of who my real friends are, or what the hell I am supposed to be doing with my life. Growing up my parents (my father especially) always told us that college was important, and that you graduate high school, go to college. The End. Well, I graduated high school, I went to college for a year, and failed miserably. Now I'm scared to go back. After taking a year off, I am so scared as to whats going to happen if I go back. Will I fail again? Can I make it this time? The last thing I want to do is disappoint my dad. And with my brother getting ready to graduate from NCSU, I am stressing double. My sister is about to graduate high school, and off to college she will go, and I'll be known as "the other daughter, Jessica". Trust me, it kills me often to know that Ive failed. That my dad and I dont have the same relationship that we had before I left for college. Because, I believe that deep down he is let down by me and my failure to excel in life. I know that my dad loves me and always will. I have a very troubled mind when it comes to what I want, and what others want of me. It seems that every time I get close to someone and tell them how I feel, or let someone in to get into my inner feelings, they wither disappear or become to occupied with something or someone else. I'm not sure who I can talk to anymore, thats going to tell me that it will all be okay, I'm not a failure, and that I can do it. I can sit and whine all day about the unfairness of it all, but that solves nothing, because I have no one to blame but myself. Im thankful everyday for the intelligence i do posses. But I am also let down by the void that I could fill if I would just commit to it. I guess that simply put, I'm just a troubled mind.