Simply Let Down

I dont understand why when you put all your trust in someone you are always proven wrong. When is it going to be my turn to be able to trust depend and rely on someone. Im tired of being treated so unfairly.
Its like no matter how hard I try, Im always treated the same. I trust no one from here on out. I depend on no one. I rely on no one. I cant help but feel betrayed and hurt. Its sad that there are no decent humanbeings on this earth that are trustworthy and relyable. I am a broken person, that doesnt want to be fixed. I have been this nice bubbly person. But thats not doing me any good any more. I guess its time to going back to being a cynical bitch. Get Ready. No more miss nice J.
I dont really have much else to say other than, I am just simply let down. By everyone.

Simply Refreshed

I do apologise for the neglect. Its been raging hell since I got home from my one week vacation in the mountains. So much has happened and so many feelings are whisping through the air. Its hard to even fathom where to start. I will say this, coming home to my sucky job with my not so great co-workers blows. I over-work myself to death there, and its 5989864% ridiculous. Ive met a new friend. M. Hes a great friend. Not sure that there will ever be more, but wow what a friend. Hes smart, and military. Hes funny, and straight forward. He looks out for me, and understands that looooooooong list of pasts and troubles that I tote around with me on my shoulders. So in addition to the one week vacation, I then turned around and had a one week sabbatical at my moms house. Kind of cutting myself off from any unwanted communication. It was helpful to have a few days to me.
On brighter news, me and my C-S are fine now and I'm glad to have her back. Ive missed her straight forward and quirky advice. Which reminds me C-S night ASAP! I get my out of jail free card for the next 3 days, only to have to turn around and work like 8 straight. Nasty! But I am going to enjoy this time, and take it to refresh my life. Starting with cleaning my shithole room. AHHH. It freaken scares me in here. And if I was so damn tired, I think it would almost be too cluttered to sleep. I'm dealing though.
I don't want to express too much more detail on my life the past two weeks right now, other than it was great to see some of the family and kick our heals up and relax. OOOHHH how I love it. Unitl next time.

Simply Better

Its amazing that out of every bad comes a little good. I finally had a pretty decent weekend. Relaxed, hung out with friends, made some new ones, and enjoyed the company of others with the same wants in life. It kinda comes as a shock to me that I can have such a decent time with people that I wouldn't normally be around, and by taking a chance I had a blast. Played pool (horribly) had girl talk, talked about guys, talked to guys. I'm glad that I have decided to clear away the fog long enough to allow myself to have a good time and befriend some really nice people.
Also when you can finally meet a guy that all his friends (males and females) tell you that hes been done wrong in the past, and does everything for everyone and just always seems to get with the wrong girls, and hes interested in me. WHAT? I guess like all the other women in this world, I don't always tend to give myself credit. So when a cute guy, that's also humanely decent wants my number.. heck yea! I am so not rushing into anything, but to get to talk to someone and be friendly with someone, and spend time with someone (hes taking me out tonight) that's new and knows nothing of me and I know nothing of him, is going to be a great thing. And I cant wait. I just wanted to let you all know that not all my posts are glum and blue. Sometimes I am happy... :)
And on the happy note, HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY Kat! I LOVE YA, and miss ya!!!!!!

Simply Feelings

We all have that one song that when we hear it, it takes us to a "happy place". When we hear it play, no matter what is going on in our lives we just simply have to smile. It makes all the bad go away for that momment and all the good come flooding through. I cant help but when I find that song to listen to it fifty trillion times, until that song is permenatly planted in my head. It ceases all judgement, all worries, stresses, and fears. It causes nothing but calm inner feelings with smiles all over my face. I love that feeling.
Another sound that just gives me that rush of calm, is a close friend of mine telling me that everythings going to be okay, no matter what it is thats bothering me. Someone who can tell me that they are there for me, they may not know what specifically I am going through, but will be there if I choose to talk. And knowing that they love me for me, and all my quirky triats. Best friends truly are amazing. Even the newer ones who may not know quite everything about me. But she tries and I love her for that. (Yes you H) And I love that feeling.
Lastly, my dad is fine. Please no one worry. I am his daughter thats my job. He's seeing doctors and doing everything they ask of him. He's doing what he needs to do. He seems fine. A little tired, but hey, he is almost 50. Lol! Keep you all posted on my Daddy. And feels great to know my dads doing okay.

Simply Scared

Friday July 4th was not a holiday that I celebrated this year. My dad was taken to the emergency room in an ambulance that he called. He was home alone. He was having chest pain and tightness, became dizzy and disoriented. He is okay. The doctors said that he was having the beginnings of a heart attack. With his age, and his dads age of his first heart attack, as well as many other risk factors, the doctor recommended some tests. They did the EKG, and chest xray, all that seemed alright. Well the doctor recommended a stress test and possible heart catherizaton. Of course anyone who knows my dad knows that he left AMA (against medical advice), with promises to follow up with his family doctor Monday. Well so far dad just seems tired, and i know hes still hurting in his chest. I am forcing him to go to the doctor tomorrow. I don't want anyone to worry, hes alright. No panic phone calls. I will keep all updated. I PROMISE! Now I told you all this because, ya'll are friends and family, and I'm not to alert anyone, as his daughter, and daddy's little girl, I'm scared shitless. I break out in years all the time, I find myself with bad wandering thoughts. I am so scared. I love my dad more than anything in the world. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. I love you Daddy.

Simply A Troubled Mind

When you love someone you are supposed to support them in their trials and tribulations with their life. I have recently been "in a slump". My problems are nothing compared to some, or even many. But to me, they suck. I am having trouble with so many different aspects of my life. I am not sure what to do or think about so many things. I cant seem to find where I belong, if anywhere. I'm so unsure of who my real friends are, or what the hell I am supposed to be doing with my life. Growing up my parents (my father especially) always told us that college was important, and that you graduate high school, go to college. The End. Well, I graduated high school, I went to college for a year, and failed miserably. Now I'm scared to go back. After taking a year off, I am so scared as to whats going to happen if I go back. Will I fail again? Can I make it this time? The last thing I want to do is disappoint my dad. And with my brother getting ready to graduate from NCSU, I am stressing double. My sister is about to graduate high school, and off to college she will go, and I'll be known as "the other daughter, Jessica". Trust me, it kills me often to know that Ive failed. That my dad and I dont have the same relationship that we had before I left for college. Because, I believe that deep down he is let down by me and my failure to excel in life. I know that my dad loves me and always will. I have a very troubled mind when it comes to what I want, and what others want of me. It seems that every time I get close to someone and tell them how I feel, or let someone in to get into my inner feelings, they wither disappear or become to occupied with something or someone else. I'm not sure who I can talk to anymore, thats going to tell me that it will all be okay, I'm not a failure, and that I can do it. I can sit and whine all day about the unfairness of it all, but that solves nothing, because I have no one to blame but myself. Im thankful everyday for the intelligence i do posses. But I am also let down by the void that I could fill if I would just commit to it. I guess that simply put, I'm just a troubled mind.

Simply A Slut??

As always, or so it seems in this town, that the drama has arisen again. I am being called a slut (among other not so polite names, that I do not care to repeat) by someone who is mad that I wouldn't sleep with him. Now that situation has always boggled my mind. I am a slut because I did NOT sleep with you. Well I'm pretty sure that last time I checked, slut was someone who sleeps around, not refuses to do so. The jealousy that he holds is ridiculous, not to mention childish. It so baffles me that someone who thinks that they are such a nice straight forward person would say or do the things that they said and did. I guess honestly I shouldn't be all that shocked, no one really is who they appear to be at first glance. Its when a deeper look is taken into someone and the qualities that they have that we find out who people really truly are. Trust me, I am by no means a saint or perfect, but I also at least know the boundaries to retain. I make mistakes just like the rest of the worlds population. But I can also say that when i make a mistake that I am quick to try to better it or at least "patch it up".
Although I wont name any names on whom it is that obviously is in great need of a Webster's Dictionary, I will say this to him: You think that you are cutting my down by the insults that you keep giving me. But all you are really doing is digging your hole that much deeper. By being older than me and continuously throwing that in my face, I would like to think that you would be capable of acting you age. Yes sometimes I am immature, but I also admit to that. I'm sorry that you feel the things that you do about me, but I never had any intentions of "hooking up" with you. Friendship was as far as I wanted to take it.
I guess there really isn't much else to whine about dealing with this subject, but I will end it with this... I was brought up knowing to never judge a book by its cover, and everyone deserves second chances, and that first impressions are always important. Every assumption that I had of him.. was correct. So if it makes me a slut to hold morals, and to stay away from you and your lack of morality, fine. I guess that today, I'm Simply A Slut.

Just an Introduction

So, I am new to the blogging world. But want to give it a try. I've been following my cousin's blog, I guess that's called "blog stalking", but I just had to get one for myself. This is just going to be a place for me to lay my thoughts out, my messy life. Yes, I am young, only 20. What kind of issues can I really experience? Nothing compared to some that I have read. I just need a place to lay it all out in words. A "safe place". So let's see how this goes. Wish me luck!



A little background information on me. I live in NC. A very boring town that I have lived in my whole life. I am a true southerner (a Louisiana girl at heart), and a hard core Daddy's Girl. I have already graduated from high school, and did one year at ECU. That didn't work out so well. I guess that is something that I am going to be facing at some point. I am currently living back at home with my Dad and Sister. She is a rising senior in high school. I have a brother about to graduate from NCSU. You are probably wondering why I am choosing to tell you all this nonsense. Well, it is what makes me, me. And what produces the thoughts I have. This blog is simply me. Like it or don't, take it or leave it. I am simply a mess and I tend to sometimes make a mountain out of a mole-hill. Maybe this blog will bring me the advice that I need from outsiders. Someone not connected to the situation. My goal is just to write. To do what I want to do, and be who I want to be.



I hope you enjoy.