Thursday, July 3, 2008
Simply A Troubled Mind
When you love someone you are supposed to support them in their trials and tribulations with their life. I have recently been "in a slump". My problems are nothing compared to some, or even many. But to me, they suck. I am having trouble with so many different aspects of my life. I am not sure what to do or think about so many things. I cant seem to find where I belong, if anywhere. I'm so unsure of who my real friends are, or what the hell I am supposed to be doing with my life. Growing up my parents (my father especially) always told us that college was important, and that you graduate high school, go to college. The End. Well, I graduated high school, I went to college for a year, and failed miserably. Now I'm scared to go back. After taking a year off, I am so scared as to whats going to happen if I go back. Will I fail again? Can I make it this time? The last thing I want to do is disappoint my dad. And with my brother getting ready to graduate from NCSU, I am stressing double. My sister is about to graduate high school, and off to college she will go, and I'll be known as "the other daughter, Jessica". Trust me, it kills me often to know that Ive failed. That my dad and I dont have the same relationship that we had before I left for college. Because, I believe that deep down he is let down by me and my failure to excel in life. I know that my dad loves me and always will. I have a very troubled mind when it comes to what I want, and what others want of me. It seems that every time I get close to someone and tell them how I feel, or let someone in to get into my inner feelings, they wither disappear or become to occupied with something or someone else. I'm not sure who I can talk to anymore, thats going to tell me that it will all be okay, I'm not a failure, and that I can do it. I can sit and whine all day about the unfairness of it all, but that solves nothing, because I have no one to blame but myself. Im thankful everyday for the intelligence i do posses. But I am also let down by the void that I could fill if I would just commit to it. I guess that simply put, I'm just a troubled mind.
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4 comments:
hey babe. Look, you'll find your way. It may be a long, twisting road but it'll be your road. You know how I feel about the road less traveled. It tends to be much more interesting. That said, waiting tables your whole life can get boring. But, Jessi, you're still young. You'll figure it out. Just try not to get stuck, that's when all the bullshit weighs you down. As long as you keep questioning and striving to evolve life will flow as it should. Don't get back into a corner and do something you hate. Take your time, try different things. Focus on what you want and what makes you happy. I'm a firm believer that it's possible to do anything you want if you're passionate enough about it. Ok. Stepping off the soapbox now. lol. Love you, girl. I miss our talks. I'm always here for you, you know?
oh and welcome to the wonderful world of blogging!! :D
Ah, babe. You know I dropped out of college for a year and a half, right? With me it was about money and control. I'll tell you more later if you want to know. But sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
You've got the Hy--- brain, babe. There's no doubt in my mind (and everyone else's) that you'll do great at whatever you do. When you're ready to do it. ((hugs))
Maybe you should come for a visit? Celeste, Gannon & Ani will be here for a week at the beginning of Sept. Or you can come see your boys any time. Love you.
well I know you'll do great things! if you need a lil push toward the school aspect of life, i'll glady superglue you to me and take you to all ur classes. what are friends for...so what if im not gonna be a nurse or w/e too, a little extra knowledge never hurt anyone lol
LOVE and MISS you!!!
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